Grande Con For Sale

"Grande Con Carne" is looking for a home. 

I realize that while we look like a slickly produced, big-budget, high-concept, years-in-development webseries with gobs and gobs and gobs of venture capital™ firms pounding at our door, dying to moentize® our efforts,  such, I can assure you, is not exactly the case.

"Grande Con Carne" has been produced on a shoestring budget, independently and with a only a few bottles of water and a bag of Chips Ahoy as craft service. 

Of course, to the layman, the casual viewer, the porn-weary web surfer, we are an oasis of comedy gold, but little do they know the peculiarities of the entertainment industry.

Submitted for your approval: my Mom and Josh's Aunt Lisa firmly and sincerely believe that "Grande Con Carne" should be made into a TV show, and I, for one, am not going to dissuade them of their opinions. And it may well be so that "Grande Con Carne" should, in point of fact, be made into a TV show. But it's also the case that I've been so busy making the damn show that I haven't exactly had time to get the word out. Well, this, my loyal reader(s) (and any agents, managers, producers or new media™ titans who occasion to happen upon my humble blogging efforts), is the official getting out of the WORD. 

"Grande Con Carne" is for sale. Kind of. What we'd like is to find some nice production company or web portal™ to finance or "partner" with our further efforts (while leaving us in complete creative control, with 99.995% ownership). It's not that I want the money, heaven knows I have no desire to sell out my artistic ambitions, but it's just that I feel it's "unfair" to all those viewers out there who have yet to see "Grande Con Carne" to keep it to ourselves.  So if you, or someone you know is the next Pierre Omidyar or Chad Hurley, please shoot us an email. We'll be happy to talk.

I wanna be Judd Apatow's friend.

There was a time when it seemed like being a Coppola was a sure ticket to Hollywood success. I'm not sure if all of these names are related to the grand-master Francis (though a staggering number of them are), but I'm sure their surnames didn't exactly hurt their careers. In fact, while I was shooting my first film, "Learning to Surf," (winner: Best Achievement in Directing at IndieVision Fest 2002 (just in case anyone was wondering)) my good friend and D.P. Steve Vernon, C.S.C, counseled me to change my name to Coppola. "If anyone asks," he said, "whether or not you're related, you can always tell them, 'I really don't want to talk about it. I prefer to achieve success on my own terms.'"

Alas, I kept my name and here I am, blogging about my adventures producing a small webseries with a budget the size of Jerry Bruckheimer's pocket change (assuming Jerry hasn't been to an ATM in a while).

But things have changed and the new man about town, the king maker, the man with the midas touch, is Judd Apatow and I am here to officially announce my desire, my longing, my fervent need to become his friend. 

There Once Was a Man From Nantucket

The LA Times writes today about Judd Apatow's engorged efforts to thrust the display of male genetalia more securely into the modern film age. The story outlines an episode in the new "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" where the main character, played by Jason Segel, is fully and frontally nude for quite some time. The scene, according to the article, prodded the audience at South by Southwest to fits of laughter. Apparently serious comedic benefits can be accrued by filmmakers willing to sling their sausage in the faces of movie goers. Given that the title of this blog and of my webseries, Grande Con Carne, is in fact a thinly veiled double entendre regarding the aforementioned male appendage, I am sympathetic to this argument. The problem with the article is that the author assumes this is a new thing when in fact phallic comedy is as old as the hills.

In 411 BC Aristophanes used erect phalluses to great comedic effect in his play "Lysistrata".

Here are just two examples, though more abound throughout the play.

CINESIAS:(To the audience and pointing at his jolting prick)

My God, this prick! It’s worse than starving Hercules, waiting for his lunch.

HE LIES DOWN WAITING WITH HIS PHALLUS POINTING AT THE SKY. MYRRHINI ENTERS WITH A PILLOW.

and then later:

SPARTAN HERALD:

That’s a… that’s a… Spartan message rod.

CINESIAS:

Hah! If that’s a Spartan message rod then so is this (Indicates his own phallus)

Don’t worry friend, I know what’s up. You can tell me the truth. How are things with you men in Sparta?

SPARTAN HERALD: (Moral relaxation ensues after the disclosure but he is still visibly, very uncomfortable physically because of the affliction (ed note: the "affliction" is an erection))

All of us, Spartans, as well as allies, have stiffies like this one. We all need a fuck!

(ed. note: the original Greek word for "fuck," according to Google is: γαμω)

The Web Series: Episode 6

For all my adoring fans and loyal readers here is episode 6 without the added heartache of navigating away from this page:

Shecky Director

We shot three more webpisodes yesterday. It was a fun day, especially, I think, for the guys on set. It was rough for me, no more than it usually is shooting with no budget and no crew (just me and Steve), except that for whatever reason all my on-set jokes fell flat. It was a pathetic sight, too, toward the end. You know you're in a hole when all those people who aren't laughing start to feel bad for you.

I guess it's tough to Shecky Director when you're trying to watch a monitor and hold a boom pole at the same time.

Star F*cking (that asterisk is for those of you with delicate sensibilities)

This is a post I posted on my myspace blog, but since I really am not wild about myspace (and how can you possibly be wild about a website that really only has full functionality in Internet Explorer) I figured I'd repost it here which is a touch ironic since the post itself relates entirely to the whole myspace "friends" thing (and because, you know, my readship is so wide and varied on this site).

Star F*cking all the way to the Century Mark

Some of you may have noticed that I’ve been adding celebrities to our friends list at a brisk clip. I’ve also been including them in the "Top Friends" list, which may or may not be annoying some of you depending on whether or not you used to be on the "Top Friends" list.

There are two reasons for this. One is that I’ve been trying to reach the 100 Friends mark (I’m just kind of needy that way), so I was adding friends (plus, I just need all the positive affirmation I can get, sniff...). The other is that I’ve been adding friends who have some celebrity, not, as you might think, in the hope that some one of them might see our valiant, if humble efforts to provide top-notch, sex-farce comedy to the internet audience (which is clearly and sorely lacking of such material) and pass that information along to some one of their high-powered, juice-wielding friends who could make a single phone call and have us all employed providing top-notch, sex-farce comedy to the television or feature film audience (which is clearly and sorely lacking of such material) but in fact I’ve been adding celebrity friends with the hope that some of you out there might say, hmmm... I wonder if they really KNOW that guy?

-RJ

Full Disclosure: I actually have met, was complimented by, and traded a few brief emails with Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling.

Gone viral

I know this may sound a bit like I'm blowing my own horn (which, I've learned, is a phrase you NEVER want to use on a porn set) but I'm pretty surprised with the feedback I'm getting on this web series we're doing. I mean, I'm kind of just used to sending stuff out and having it disappear into the void of the endless email, but people are actually writing back and telling me how much they like it. I've even heard from people who heard about it from other people, which means, dare I say, that we have officially gone VIRAL!!!

In other news, we're casting this afternoon for the next three episodes.

Unintentional Comedy

I saw a movie poster on the side of a bus yesterday for a film called, "Made of Honor." At first I thought it was a joke because the tagline ("It takes a real man to become a maid of honor") seemed like something you'd hear in an episode of the "Simpsons" or "South Park." But no, it turns out it's a real movie.

Then this morning I was reading an article in the Hollywood Reporter about Oliver Stone's "biopic" (I believe that merits quotes) of George Bush (which I also assumed was intended humorously the first time I heard about it) and caught this great little tidbit at the end, "(Elizabeth) Banks, repped by UTA and Untitled, next appears opposite Eddie Murphy in the comedy "Meet Dave" and then opposite Aaron Eckhart in "Meet Bill." "

You just can't make this stuff up.

It's got me thinking about the William Goldman line Hollywood loves to quote, "Nobody knows anything."

Casting again

I've written three more episodes, but they're a little edgier than the ones we have up so far. We're holding auditions on Thursday and I'm hoping we can get a good turn-out. Of course when you're asking people to work for free, edgy tends to be tough. Especially when some of that edgy revolves people walking around with very little on.

My casting director, Mark Sikes, is good, so I'm not too worried.

Episode 5

You have to take my word for it that this episode is hilarious. It's not funny in a joke, joke, punchline kind of way, but it's more a sublte Ricky Gervais kind of funny.

I figure if I'm laughing at my own material, I might as well post good reviews too.

enjoy.

Episode 4

I'm in love with this episode - which, I admit, as a writer/ director is kind of like laughing at your own jokes, but hey, if you don't you can't expect anyone else to laugh either.

Episode 3

Episode 3 and 4 were originally scripted as one episode but there was such a natural break in it I decided to break it up into two.

The Episodes

I'm a little behind on posting the episodes here so here we go - all in a row.

Episode 2

Some snark about on-screen credits and Web Video

Having been someone who was pummeled into submission (I'll tell my story about Volcano later) by never having received an on-screen credit that I could actually go to a movie theater and watch on, as we say, the BIG screen, I fully understand, all too well (to be extra redundant) the allure of seeing your name in white font. HOWEVER, as you may have noticed - if you're reading this - and if you're watching my current extra-small-screen epic, Grande Con Carne over at Funny or Die (please vote (click on the FUNNY tab)) you will notice that I have NO on-screen credits even for my Orson Wellsian-like contributions to that project.

See the thing is, when you have two and one half to three minutes to set up your story, tell a few jokes and get out (which, from my work at an actual website where money was paid for this kind of thing, seems to be the industry standard) - and create an enjoyable experience for your audience - most of whom are taking a quick break from either work or porn - 30 to 45 seconds of screentime (that's 20 to 30 PERCENT) devoted to credits is, as we say in the business, dumb. Especially at a site like Funny or Die (where I have  Grande Con Carne posted) (please click FUNNY) and they give you space - right next to the frame to include credits so that any viewer, can, at any time during viewing, easily refresh their minds as the identity of who provided craft service.

As promised - the VOLCANO story. A number of years ago, in my Camera Assisting days, I was hired to do work on the visual effects unit of "Volcano." I was part of a relatively large camera crew devoted to shooting miniature lava flowing down the streets of miniature Los Angeles that could then be composited into shots of Tommy Lee Jones and Anne Heche running around trying to save each other's (as well as the rest of the city's) cookies.

Anyway, I worked on it for a few MONTHS and as the freelance lifestyle goes we finished and I was off onto something else. I did get called back for one more week, but having already found gainful employment elsewhere, I declined and another Camera Assistant was hired to fill in for that WEEK. Later, I was invited to a cast and crew screening at Mann's Chinese theater - which was pretty cool. The Producer (one of them) got on stage before the show and thanked everyone for the working on this and told everyone how they'd made this giant effort to include everyone in credits - even people who had only worked on the project for one or two DAYS.

So - stoked that I was going to get my first ON-SCREEN credit in a MAJOR motion picture, I sat with bated breath watching and reading at the end. Along came the VFX credits and there were the names of my compatriots including the name of the fellow who filled in for that last week I could not be there, but NOT including mine.

I ask for no sympathy, only understanding.

And maybe some cash if anyone feels like sending any.

Oh - and VOTE Grande Con Carne  

Are you watching

Grande Con Carne the Web Series is up and running and doing great. We're pushing them on Funny or Die because I think the community is better there as well as the video compression they use.

The links for episodes 3 and 4 are here:

I'd embed them, but the frame seems to overlap in blogger. There doesn't appear to be a way to make it fit well.

Episode 3 http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/4857f81dcc

Episode 4 http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/c2cf5dfdcb


RJ

Deliberating over when to repost

What's the half-life of a web series. On TV - a new episode per/ week - but shout I post more than that of my Webisodes? It's frustrating because currently we have 5 in the can, but I don't want to blow them out. Then again - the first is doing well and I don't want to lose that momentum.

Sigh... maybe I'll post it.

I just feel like I should wait.

Grande Con Carne: The Web Series

So my web series, by the same name, is up and running and doing quite well on Funny or Die. I have it up on YouTube and MySpace as well, but the video quality on those two sites sucks donkey balls, so I'm directing people over to FoD. Here it is and PLEASE VOTE FUNNY, even if you have no sense of humor (I know, don't insult the viewers before they watch it - that's a good creed).

Quarterlife

So being invested in this whole idea of webisodes, I decided to take a look at Quarterlife.

But then I decided that if I ever want to actually work for anyone, or with anyone involved in that show, I probably SHOULD NOT blog about it.

'nuf said.

The Oscars

So I didn't watch the Oscars last night and apparently I didn't miss much. I started watching but realized, after Stewart's monologue, where he broke exciting new ground by making jokes (I'm assuming they were jokes) about Jack Nicholson, that my time might be better served by actually working on some of my own stuff, which I did, and reading the list of winners (none of which I've actually seen) this morning.

I think, after a brief but frustrating struggle with LiveType, that I might have a finished rough cut of my first webisode ready. What the hell is a finished rough cut? Well, basically, it's a cut that's not so rough, but it's not yet finished in my mind - is anything ever?

Webisodes

So for those of you who may not know, I'm working on some webisodes - little comedy shorts that string together as a series. It's like a sitcom in 3 1/2 minute episodes. Which - if you think about - with commercial breaks, isn't that far off.

We shot last week - small crew - bigger cast - fantastic people - and I'm doing retroactive script notes now.

Published!!!

Some of you may know that a few years ago I wrote a short novel The Girl Who Tried to Catch the Man, that takes place at Burning Man (most of you probably don't). I made copies of it and gave it out to my Burning Man campmates and a few other people as a playa gift. I kind of thought that's where it would end, but not so. Wild Shore Press, a small press over on the other coast has published it. It's available on their website right now as an e-book download or as a regular printed up book.

Now, those of you unfamiliar with Burning Man may find it a bit mystifying - although you may not - I don't know. I did kind of write it with the idea that non-burners might read it. It also gets a touch racy at points, so those of you with delicate eyeballs may want to hold out for the Reader's Digest version.

I also want to take a brief moment to thank my good friend Joel Miller for the excellent work he did in helping me with this. (I could have waited for the inevitable award show to do that, but I have a feeling he'd prefer I do it now rather than wait weeks or months like I did with the swag I promised him.)

Oh and just in case anyone is interested, the movie rights are still available. You know, just in case.

I'm pretty excited about this, though I'm not sure if I should buy that Bentley just yet.

RJ

Third Video Up

Well, our third video is up. This whole YouTube thing is frustrating in a way because there's really no rhyme or reason to what scores big numbers. But we're plugging away. There are a few more videos left to upload and then we have three more scripts to shoot, plus starting a series which I think is going to be important. I think if anything is going to take on the big boys, that will be where it starts.

Here's the vid.

Shaver Spot up

I have the second of the "sexy" spots up on YouTube. It's here




Hopefully we can get a little viewer action and rocket this sucker up and out of the ballpark.

A director goes to jail

I don't love all his movies, but I have to admit, the dude has done some good work.

The government's investigation of Anthony Pellicano yielded the first prison term for a major Hollywood figure Monday when a federal judge ordered director John McTiernan to spend four months behind bars for lying to the FBI about hiring the indicted private investigator.

Check the rest out here.

First Deek Video up

This is the first video we made a viral. We've changed it a bit - taken out the logos and all and put it up on YouTube - go for it.